Thinking Out Loud
Vintage V
My dad turns 60 today.
He's been everything and more for me: a thoughtful planner, a caring counselor, an avid traveler, a wine & golf enthusiast, and a safe harbor.
He is equal parts strength, steadiness, and silliness — with a heaping dash of fun.
Papa: Some of the best days in my life are the ones I've shared with you.
Love you to the moon and back. Happy birthday!
Hosting is a beautiful skill.
Great hosts can create an event that feels like a magical kingdom; where guests feel drawn into an enchanting, alternate universe filled with lasting memories — sometimes for life.
But what does it take to be a great host? I finished a terrific book that answers this: The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker — a master facilitator and organizer.
Some of my salient takeaways:
Purpose: Be crisp & specific: Think about your event’s “why” — whether it’s ideating, celebrating, or remembering. Being very intentional helps with setting the right fit.
What is the social contract you're building with your guests? Don’t break it to them when they arrive; you need to prime them in advance.
Guest List: Thoughtful exclusion: More the merrier isn’t great if it destroys purpose. It’s actually more generous and defining for the guests that do AND don’t come. Start with an intimacy gauge: Priya writes: “Choose the depth of the swimming pool - either deep end or shallow end. Either way, you're getting wet.”
Rule of thumb: 6 for forging deep discussion, 8-12 for liveliness, and 12-30 for a party that crackles with energy.
Before the Event: Brand it & create intrigue: Start by giving your event an actual name that aligns with your purpose & people. (e.g. “Olivia’s Tiki Time 30th” vs. “My 30th bday!”). Before people step into your space, think about how you can create energy in advance. The clock starts as soon as guests are aware of the existence of the event.
For example, if you are hosting a cheese tasting, send a gift card for a local cheese shop for people to buy in advance. Or share a prompt or question for people to consider before they step in.
During the Event: Don’t be chill: Many of us think we should let the event just flow. This is actually a terrible thing for your guests, as they are left to fumble around. Rather, it’s better to gently govern. From Priya: “Be bold - if you wan’t to be chill, go the Arctic.”
Your role: 1) protect time (e.g. start and close the event) 2) equalize everyone (e.g. no one’s voice should overtake another) and 3) connect (be active in creating glue.)
Wonderful advice as we host more gatherings in the coming months. And with some practice, we can leave our guests better than we found them. 🎂
As I wrote a few months ago, I’ve been enjoying the extra sunshine of the season.
And as the summer rolled on, the idea stuck with me further… that I wrote a song!
This is something I’ve always wanted to do as I grow as a singer and a musician.
Huge gratitude to my talented uncle, Vivek Govil, who helped me arrange, produce and accompany me with a guitar. (Check out his music too!)
I came across a beautiful Zulu term: “Ubuntu”
Though there are many meanings, the simplest one I found was: “I am because you are.”
Everything we achieve has roots in the sacrifices of others. We fly far because of our community: the wind beneath our wings.
And as our life unfolds, each piece from a person starts to come together into something sublime.
A beautiful constellation. A stunning mosaic.
I’ve been enamored with some of the feats in the Tokyo Olympics.
Olympians pour their mind, soul, and body to compete at the highest levels — some for decades. And it’s amazing to see records demolished every 4 years as athletes push themselves faster and farther.
A few athletes that struck me:
Quan Hongchan - A diver who scored two perfect 10s…at 14. She entered diving to support her mother who is managing a difficult illness.
Oksana Chusovitina - A gymnast who is competing in her eighth Olympics….at 46. She has persisted in a sport few take beyond their 20s.
It made me appreciate all the hours spent outside the spotlight. Burning with purpose and fueled by grit, both reached rarefied air through exceptional discipline and work.
Damian Lillard, a superstar NBA player said it best: “If you want to look good in front of thousands, you have to outwork thousands in front of nobody..."
This past weekend, I was lucky to visit the Monet exhibit at the MFA in Boston.
It was an exceptional exhibit. I was particularly drawn to the relationship between two Impressionist virtuosos: Claude Monet and Auguste Rodin.
The two were born two days apart in November 1840. Both were extremely renowned and respected as contemporaries….which could have fractured into an inimical and sour relationship.
Rather: the two looked at each other with fondness. Inspired by each others work, they wrote hundreds of letters to each other: coaching, teasing, challenging, and loving.
After 50+ years of friendship, Rodin wrote to Monet: “I still have the same admiration for the artist who helped me understand light, clouds, the sea, the cathedrals that I already loved so much, but whose beauty awakened at dawn by your interpretation moved me so deeply.”
Is there a peer in your life who frustrates but focuses you? Perhaps it’s time to shine a new light: from competitive to kindred.
We’ve all had our fair share of knocks. And some of the toughest knocks come from those we care about the most.
In a recent interview, John Mayer says a particularly resonant phrase: Don’t create bonds with scar tissue.
We tend to find some of the sharpest and deepest connections with pain. Some pain can lead to growth, but other recurring pain can leave you hollow.
And you can be addicted to the hurt and keep coming back to it. A good check: What scars do you return to? What can you move on from?
Because sometimes: the loving is the leaving.
Many of us are taking extended days off to go on holiday.
It’s well deserved: rest and renewal are so vital to keep the lights on. But what if you dream about the Caribbean every week? Or Mykonos every Monday?
There’s a tradeoff to escapism: when you’re just not that happy with your day-to-day that you need to leave it constantly.
So when you’re planning your future vacation, spend a little time on your present reality. Can you find happiness not far from home?
In relationships: every big problem was as a small problem once.
When issues arise, we tend to kick the can down the road because you’ll deal with it “someday”. But eventually, it snowballs into a threatening monolith.
Can we identify the weeds that are starting to sprout before they become trouble? After all, we both are sharing the same pot of soil.
A few things I heard recently that can help us start from the source:
If your partner is activating a tough emotion in you: try saying “Here’s what I’m scared to tell you” and lead with your heart.
If you are activating a tough emotion in your partner: “If you mess up, fess up” and do it early and apologize well.
More honor, more mercy, more kindness, and more softness…if we address it small, our garden will bloom big.
Masters were beginners once.
No matter the innate talent, everyone had to start somewhere. And starting is both ominous and exhilarating.
For me, I’ve started a journey to sing. And with anything new, progress is more zig-zag than straight: closer to a burst and hum.
Some days, you feel a breakthrough spurt (burst). While other weeks, it feels like a boring sputter (hum).
But a reminder: it doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as we are taking it.
Keep going!
Apologizing is an art…..that we tend to botch.
But when done right, it can be immensely healing. Repairing trust and beginning anew starts with a genuine reparation.
What makes a great apology? Dr. Harriet Lerner mentions a couple of strong steps, but these resonated:
We tend to hurriedly finish our apology, dust our hands, and move on. But with tougher situations, the feelings aren’t truly over.
We put the onus on the hurt recipient to bring it up again, where it should on us. So it’s our duty to check in beyond the first conversation: “I've been thinking about what happened. Are you feeling anything more?”
It fosters a healthier climate for a long-term conversation where the real healing begins.
To protect ourselves, we sharpen our axe to react. As Dr. Lerner writes, “We listen for what we don't agree with, so we can defend ourselves and correct the facts.”
And then we bring our history book of previous transgressions from the relationship to fight fire with fire — and an argument isn’t far behind.
Both are ill-advised; rather, we should focus on their impact, regardless of why we did it (intention) and what came before it (past).
So…. is 🎶Is it too late to say I’m sorry? 🎶
Never too late, just (try to) do it right.
Summer is in full swing. And I trust many of you will soon be enjoying the full spectrum of the season: creamy ice cream to foamy beaches — with sunshine covering every inch of you.
But I also hope you get to spend it with people that feel like sunshine too.
We deserve to be surrounded by those where it feels effortless. Where it feels energizing. Where it feels free.
And if you realize you’re with people that make you feel more frosty than fun, I invite you to find warmth from those who give it willingly.
Because then the livin’ is easy.
Our time here on Earth is a blip. A blink. A moment.
How can we spend it joyfully and wisely? Usually, it’s sharing loved experiences with our loved ones.
Speaking of loved ones, I came across a lovely set of tweets from Tariq Ismail on the levels of friendship in Arabic.
1. Zameel - someone you have a nodding acquaintance with
2. Jalees - someone you’re comfortable sitting with for a period of time
3. Sameer - you have good conversation with them
4. Nadeem - a drinking companion (just tea) that you might call when you’re free
5. Sahib - someone who’s concerned for your wellbeing
6. Rafeeq - someone you can depend upon. You’d probably go on holiday with them
7. Sadeeq - a true friend, someone who doesn’t befriend you for an ulterior motive
8. Khaleel - an intimate friend, someone whose presence makes you happy
9. Anees - someone with whom you’re really comfortable and familiar
10. Najiyy - a confidant, someone you trust deeply
11. Safiyy - your best friend, someone you’ve chosen over other friends
12. Qareen - someone who’s inseparable from you. You know how they think (and vice versa)
It was extraordinary to read how certain languages can describe intimacy so beautifully.
I pray that you have some (if not all) of these friends that fill up your cup — from Zameel to Qareen.
This year: as the outside is slowly healing (sadly, some places more than others), it’s a good reminder that our inside is slowly healing too.
And healing = resting. I came across a great post on the different types of rest we need to fully bloom.
Here were my ways:
Physical Rest - Stretching for 10 minutes after closing my laptop.
Mental Rest - Listening to my “Cheer Up” playlist in the shower.
Social Rest - Limiting back-to-back social events (up to 2).
Creative Rest - Taking a walk with a podcast, and of course, this blog!
Sensory Rest - Reading a physical book on the weekend morning before picking up my phone,
Spiritual Rest - Participating in a virtual LinkedIn coaching & mentorship session with Braven.
Emotional Rest - Calling my elders who live far away for 10 minutes.
As 2021 unfolds, my hope is that you’re building in time to renew and recover. Because it’s rightfully deserved.
How are you making space for yourself this year? 🌙
“An overnight success is 10 years in the making.”
Ain’t that the truth? But a decade is still a decade. A long, hard, winding, chaotic, unpredictable decade.
But… the comforting part: a step is also still a step. The tortoise still gets there eventually. Even if the other hares have been laughing at him.
So even if it’s slow….trust your training. Trust your process. Trust in “No Zero Days”.
Because all at once, you’re there.
We all have a favorite flavor of working out: running, swimming, lifting, walking or dancing.
And when we get hurt from a workout, we tend to our injury by visiting our physicians & specialists.
But what about giving similar energy for working in? Dedicated time to care for our mind & soul.
The beautiful part of ‘working in’ is it comes in various flavors too: meditating, drawing, reading, journaling or creating.
And if we have similar mental wounds from our past; we take the same time to care for ourselves through a therapist or counselor.
So a reminder to not just do the work outside in, but inside out too.
As much as the world has changed this year and last, many of our feelings may have not.
Some feel peace. Some feel pain. And many of us are somewhere in the middle.
One phrase I continue to lean on: no feeling is final. Tomorrow will always be different, even if it doesn’t feel better.
It helps me feel humble on sunny days, and hope on the rainy ones.
So whatever you’re feeling…it’s okay. Just know it’s not the end.
A tweet jolted me awake the other day:
You can’t be a good apple and be quiet about the bad ones.
— Mark Greene (@RemakingManhood) April 19, 2021
It made me reflect on how we define “goodness”. We tend to evaluate ourselves on a spectrum of our own actions, but so often, we are silent bystanders to the nefarious actions we witness.
This came to bear even more when I saw Promising Young Woman, a harrowing reminder that we don’t do enough to speak up when it counts.
So a reminder to myself: have the strength to stand tall and use my voice — especially when it’s hard.
For many of us, our manager has a huge impact on our day-to-day work experience.
Bad ones make the Sunday Scaries even more dreadful. Good ones feel like wind beneath your wings.
So what makes a good manager?
Thoughtful Editor: Your manager is the first to see your work, and the way they give feedback is so important. The good ones spend extraordinary amount of time pouring over your output to make it shine: with revisions, annotations and questions.
Safety, not intimidation: Things will go wrong at work; it’s not a matter of if but when. Not-so-good managers make you sweat before every meeting. Better ones can create pockets of security, letting openness and honesty be the bedrock of the relationship.
A Long Leash: Your were hired for a reason. Why not go out and deliver greatness? Awesome managers know that. They trust their team to do their job without getting in their business. A funny quote: “Don’t hire a dog so you can bark yourself.”
I hope many of us have the chance to work for great people, and if given the chance, manage people with grace.
“Bigness” is taught in every course, classroom and training.
And very good reasons: if we achieve a whole greater than the sum of its parts, it creates significant value for everyone.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting on where to think smaller. And there were two places that struck me:
We tend to fall into the dogma of who we aren’t and what we can’t do. And when we introduce such rigidity, we jail our potential into a petite space.
For me, this was changing my mindset on singing. Something I always wanted to do but was too proud to admit I could be a “singer”, and not just “a business guy who sings”.
As Conor Barnes writes, “ “I’m not the kind of person who does things like that’ is not an explanation, it’s a trap. It prevents nerds from working out and men from dancing.”
I had a wonderful coffee with my best friend’s dad. He is a seasoned founder, executive and family man. We were discussing the idea of risk & cost, an area that I am generally averse.
He gave some great counsel when you make big bets on yourself. “Keep your needs small.” As I discussed in my last post, we tend to accumulate 3x more than we really need. The more we can let go, the more tolerance we have to reach for moonshots.
If everything burned, what would keep your head & heart happy? The bare essentials can free us more than we imagine.
What other place can micro help us more than macro?