Next to Love

I am remembering my Ajja today on his birthday. A gentle heart with a big laugh—such joy in his soul.

Memories are always bittersweet. With every cherished reflection, there is a touch of sadness. The empty chair in our home.

But as I sit with this feeling, I remember that sadness sits next to love. They’re not enemies but neighbors that mingle with care. Just like a painter who uses shadow and light to make a beautiful piece.

He would have been 90 today! Enjoying some happy tunes with my Ammamma. 🎶

Weather

A large part of this blog has been my journey to understand nuance in emotions. Never black and white, but shades of grey.

One concept that grounds me is that feelings are closer to weather. The blow in and out of your atmosphere — even if it takes time.

Constantly shifting and changing — a rainy AM can lead to a sunny PM.

The impermanence is comforting. It may feel better or worse, but at least you can count on it to be different. 🌤

Friends with Fright

Happy Halloween!

I have mixed feelings about this holiday. Costumes, trick-or-treating, pumpkin carving — they were fun. But I wondered if this was more or less a trivial pursuit?

As I’ve thought about it more recently, I like how it approaches an emotion difficult to understand: fear. At best, fear can protect us; but at worst, fear can debilitate us.

But Halloween can give us little moments to feel fear without being afraid. It celebrates an emotion that is typically pushed down. Going to a haunted house or watching a scary movie, we can experience fright in a safe way.

And like a good friend, we can seek to understand it. And maybe have a scary good time along the way. 👻

Sunlight Hunger

It’s been a beautiful few days in NYC this week. Crisp air, low dew points, and one of my favorite things: sunlight.

And it’s also critical for our health. Dr. Andrew Huberman, a neuroscientist at Stanford, has been showing the strong science of using light.

He discusses how we can we can almost “starve” if we don’t get out and get some rays in. Some of his biggest lessons:

• Get morning sunlight. Aim to get at least 5-10 mins of sunlight exposure within the first hour of waking up and 15-20 mins on an overcast day. This will help you wake up and feel alert, boost your immune system, and help you sleep better at night.

• Get afternoon sunlight. This will help to regulate your circadian rhythm and make it easier to fall asleep at night. Aim to get at least 15-20 minutes. That afternoon walk is the real deal!

• Dim the lights at night. Avoid using bright lights, especially overhead lights, in the hours before bed. We’ve been using a blackout window shade — that has certainly helped improve sleep.

• Huge benefits. Sunlight exposure was found to increase testosterone and estrogen levels plus improve mood (learn more). Ideally, do it with a t-shirt and shorts to get the best effect!

Know for many this isn’t rocket science, but still a good reminder that just going back to the basics: being outside and moving a little can sate many of our needs. ☀️

Soft Enough

I’ve been enjoying Life’s a Game, a newsletter by Amanda Goetz. She’s a 2x founder & CMO plus a single mom of 3.

She writes about living a more meaningful and integrated life. And how she juggles her personal and professional demands. Amanda wrote something today that I loved:

“Be strong enough to do it alone, but soft enough to not want to.”

Wow. I’ve always believed in dust to dust. We come in and leave this world on our own. So it’s imperative to cultivate strength to manage independently.

But…even the strong need support. What’s stronger? Admit when we’re struggling and get help. It’s our community that can rally to lift us. You can do both — lean on yourself and your trusted circle — when the going gets tough.

Be soft to be strong.

Disagree

This week, I was thinking about two concepts: 1) disagreements and 2) changing minds. As someone who bristled against conflict, I’ve searched for ways to disagree and feel safe.

I’ve been drawn to how Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist, frames this thinking. One of his tips is to believe this thesis: Your ideas don’t make your identity.

When disagreeing with someone, we can ask better questions to make it safer: Is there a time you didn't hold this perspective? Would you be open to hearing an alternate view?

And through this process, our point of view can switch — even to the opposite side. And that’s okay. What’s key to remember: just because you changed your mind doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your principles.

A good reminder: the goal is not to prove ourselves but to improve ourselves.

Supra

Yesterday, Tanvi and I took an orange wine-tasting class. Fun fact: orange wines are white wines made like red wines! Their official name is skin-contact whites, where white grapes have been fermented with their skins.

A lot of orange wine is made in the country of Georgia. And usually enjoyed in a Georgian tradition of a supra. It’s a fancy feast with delicious food, flowing wine…and a toastmaster (tamada) to keep things lively.

The tamada is expected to keep the festivities moving — raising a toast, singing a song, and keeping things merry. Dinners can last multiple hours and can have even 100 guests at the table.

It made me smile. I’ve always loved long dinners. It was lovely to learn about another culture that honors this tradition. For me, ending the day with your loved ones is a blessing.

And do it with good food and great wine? What a treat.

Demons <> Fresh Air

I saw something I really liked this week.

Linn Ullmann, a Norwegian author and journalist, was reflecting on her father. She admired his attitude of getting ‘unstuck.”

“No matter what time you get out of bed, go for a walk and then work, he’d say, because the demons hate it when you get out of bed, demons hate fresh air. So when I make up excuses not to work, I hear his voice in my head: Get up, get out, go to your work.”

So much struggle happens between our ears. The devil’s workshop at full capacity. But a little change of scenery — the darkness can retreat. Enough to give some reprieve to keep fighting.

A reminder to myself: to defeat a demon, a little light can go a long way. 💡

Wonderful

My partner Tanvi and I moved in together. It’s been a step we’ve been thinking about for a while. Lots of preparation and discussion.

Admittedly, some fights too. It’s a process to adjust to a new rhythm of life — and we sometimes fall out of sync.

But coming home to someone you love? So special. The security of the anchor — starting the day and ending the day with each other — is more soothing than I could imagine.

It made me think of a quote: It doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.

With any long-term relationship, there are always bumps, scratches, and imperfections.

But if I step back and reflect… wow, what a wonderful treat.

Big Feelings — Pt. 2

From the book Big Feelings by Liz Fosslien & Mollie West Duffy, I’d like to share a continuation of my learnings after Part 1.

The emotions covered are perfectionism, despair, and regret.

Perfectionism: Demand for flawlessness.

• You can have perfectionist tendencies — even if you feel far from perfect. Scrap the idea that perfectionism serves you.

• Recognize when good enough is good enough. B+ work can still be solid and make a difference.

• Move away from all-or-nothing thinking, and avoid the words “always” and “never.” You haven't failed if you can’t complete something to your standard.

Despair: Complete loss of hope.

• Don't judge yourself. if you're suffering, you're suffering. Despair is absolute to the person who’s in it, so don’t rank your feelings to what others are going through.

• To get through the day, chunk time not day-by-day, but moment-to-moment. Pick a creature comfort that you can get lost in at your lowest — binging a show, reading a book, or maybe even a little ice cream.🍦

• When you’re in free fall, put out a single “climbing pick.” Do one small thing to slow the fall. Take out the trash, send one text, or make your bed. A tiny win will soothe you.

• Despair can persist, but know it will evolve. If you come “undone,” you can always find your way back.

Regret: Sadness about the past.

• A #NoRegrets life isn't possible; there are always trade-offs. Allow yourself to grieve what wasn't.

• Understand what type of regret you're feeling.

  • For hindsight regret, ask yourself 1) how well you could have predicted it and 2) know you made decisions based on the best available information. And remember that sometimes good decisions have bad outcomes for which you are not to blame.

  • For alternate-self regret, remember you’re romanticizing what could have been. For all the lives you didn’t live, this one is special because you picked it.

  • For rushing-in regrets, reflect on how you felt about a decision at the time you were making it. Ask yourself gently why you threw caution to the wind. And aim next time to sleep on big decisions or talk with a trusted friend.

  • For dragging-out regrets, be kind now and spend time with yourself. What fears or factors held you back last time? Is there anything holding you back from acting this time? How can you get closure and agency for the future?

  • For ignoring-your-instincts regret, give your gut some credit and then cut yourself some slack. Inquire with peace: what made you not act on your instincts (e.g. people pleasing)? How can you listen and act in the future?

• Be gentle with yourself; we all make mistakes. Remember that regret will soften over time.

Man, what a phenomenal book to process the hard stuff. Hope it gave you some clarity; it really did for me.

Have a great weekend!

Big Feelings — Pt. 1

I finished an excellent book this week: Big Feelings by Liz Fosslien & Mollie West Duffy. The book provides tools to understand, express, and manage difficult emotions in a healthy way.

Each chapter focuses on a different feeling: uncertainty, comparison, anger, burnout, perfectionism, despair, and regret.

What I liked about this book was the practical, non-preachy nature of managing each sentiment. Given the breadth of takeaways, I’ll split this post into two parts.

Uncertainty: Not being sure about something.

• Convert your ambient anxiety into more specific fears. You can pinpoint exactly what you’re afraid of losing and how you might be able to avoid some of those circumstances.

• Separate the withins from the beyonds. The withins are something you can do about; the beyonds are beyond your control.

  • For the withins, create a plan from which you'll deviate

  • For the beyonds, try to let go by noting, or by distracting yourself.

• To build your confidence, look back at situations where you've been resourceful and managed your uncertainty tolerance. You’ve already gone through 100% of the worst days!

Comparison: Evaluating yourself against others.

• When you make comparison targets (people whom we measure ourselves to), remember the difference between benign envy vs. malicious envy. Try to nudge yourself away from malicious.

  • Benign envy is when we admire someone and try to emulate them. Malicious envy is when we dislike and begrudge the other person for having what we want.

• Pick a broader baseline of comparison — not just one person, but 10 people. Get extremely specific about all fields in life (e.g. not just career, but health, family, etc.).

  • Don’t just look at a single person for upward comparison, when you obsessively compare yourself to people who you deem “above” in some way.

• The best comparison? Compare present to past you. Look back at how far you've come.

Anger: Being upset or frustrated.

• Anger can be found in many forms. Resentment is anger looking for a payback, and hatred is clinical strength anger. That’s a danger zone - don’t let anger turn into a brittle barnacle of hatred.

• The way to process anger is by allowing yourself to be upset. Fume and then figure out your triggers to reduce future flare-ups.

• Use anger as fuel to drive change or spark creativity.

Burnout: Absolute exhaustion from prolonged stress.

• Look for early warning signs for burnout: overstimulated, overwhelmed, irritated, and a case of the “scaries” on any day of the week. Take care of yourself before you’re completely fried. A quote:

  • “Sometimes life taps you on the shoulder with a feather, sometimes it hits you with a brick, and sometimes it runs you over with a bus. Learn to listen when it's just a feather.”

• Before you say yes to something you’re not excited about, ask yourself: What do I gain? What will I not be able to do instead? What’s the worst thing that can happen if I say no?

  • With every no, there is a deeper yes, even if that yes is just to yourself.

• Figure out whether you're overextended, disengaged, or feeling ineffective.

  • If you're overextended, get comfortable living at 80 percent and say no more often.

  • If you're disengaged, seek connection and craft a more meaningful schedule.

  • If you feel ineffective, find ways to achieve clear wins and realign your life with your values.

  • If you feel all three, detach your worth from your work and embrace "garbage time".

Fantastic methods to deal with trickier feelings. More to come next week. What big feelings are you managing? 🤍

Salt and Sugar

I was reflecting this past week on a quote: “Salt and sugar look the same, but taste different."

Typically, this saying is used to evaluate people’s character, but I took it more on defining moments that happen to you.

At first glance, tough moments may look similar. And when we reflect back on them, we remember them salty.

But if we look again, could there be any sweetness?

Cut the Loop

I’ve always been a chronic looper. The past plays out in perpetuity.

Like an endless rerun, I’m reviewing everything in my mind about what happened. What if I said this? Why did this occur? Where did I go wrong?

It can be such a straining process. Heavy on the head, as I play the brain film back and back and back. To help, one thing I read that I’m repeating back to myself is this: You made the best choice with the knowledge you had.

With all the available information at the time, you made a call. On a majority of occasions, it’s okay if it was wrong. You can now make a better call going forward.

A reminder to myself: Cut the loop. Break the cycle. Forgive yourself. And focus on what’s next. ⏭

Thermostat > Thermometer

I read an interesting analogy for managing emotions. Be a thermostat, not a thermometer.

Jason Kennedy, a teacher, writes: “A thermostat sets the temperature that a room will rise to meet, while a thermometer reacts to what it reads from the room and rises or falls in reaction.”

Yes, both monitor the temperature and give out a reading. But one is active and one is passive.

A thermometer rises and falls to the temperature given. It gets carried up by extreme heat and gets dragged down by an icy cold. It doesn’t change the temperature but merely reacts to — a passive participant.

But a thermostat is different. It knows what an ideal temperature is. And as new forces happen, it adapts accordingly. It regulates the room — an active participant.

It made me reflect on how emotions can be choices. Like a thermometer, we can be swayed by anger (heat) or fear (ice) and just respond to whatever temperature is given to us.

Or we can choose to be a thermostat. We can calmly center ourselves and set the temperature — and bring the whole room to comfort.

5 Good Minutes

One of my favorite books is Atomic Habits by James Clear. Such a terrific guide to build systems and rituals to achieve our goals.

Recently, I was watching an interview that Clear did with Tim Ferris — and I was drawn to the insight he gave:

“All the results you want are a lagging measure of your habits. Your bank account is a lagging measure of your financial habits. Your physical fitness is a lagging measure of your training habits. I don’t think that means you have to be radical about it or upend your life. All you have to do is focus on having 5 good minutes.”

What I like about this it greatly reduces the mental strain of progress.

• Pressed for time an hour workout? Try a 5-minute walk.

• Stuck on a long presentation? Try a 5-minute brainstorm.

• Dreading a chore you’ve been putting off? Try a 5-minute clean.

Everything adds up, even if it’s minuscule. What can you get done in 5️⃣?

Champagne Problem

I heard this term the other day when someone was discussing an issue. They were struggling with two seemingly great options - or in other words: a privileged dilemma.

It’s an interesting phrasing. On one hand, it’s acknowledging in the grand scheme of things: this is trivial and perhaps privileged to happen to them.

But on the other hand: a problem is still a problem. No matter where it comes from and what it looks like, it can still be a point of stress and anxiety. And that means it should be treated with love and care like anything else.

It’s a good reminder that two things can be true at once. Are you dealing with any bubbly predicaments? 🥂

Tomorrow's Brain

I love this post by one of my favorite writers: Dan Cullum.

He mentions an approach on tackling ambiguous problems. Hairy issues don’t have a clear solution — and if there’s no perfect path, we tend to push off the problem indefinitely. Inertia, forever.

Instead - he just writes something. Maybe a sentence or two on paper. A rough framework of his best guess on a paper. It can barely be considered a draft. And then sleeps.

He writes: "I trust that tomorrow’s brain is going to turn up and have something meaningful to contribute. I trust that my subconscious is going to have worked overnight to process the problem."

It’s so true. Once we start something, it creates a curious momentum. Even when we aren’t actively focused on the issue, our brain is passively processing in the background.

Genius strikes randomly — in the shower, right before waking up, on a long walk. The soft focus makes room for our mind to expand. It’s worked for me on many occasions.

If you’re stuck: let go of today’s brain, and trust in tomorrow’s.

Amor Infiniti

We visited the Design Museum in Denmark last week. It’s a 125-year museum of collections, archives, and research to showcase Danish design.

Fantastic to learn all the intricacies of good design — especially in everyday places like our home. One exhibit that caught my eye was a study on something simple: patterns. Here’s what it said:

“Patterns and rhythms are found in every aspect of our life and in recurring everyday activities. We are introduced to the rhythm of our mother's heartbeat even before we are born. Nature is full of structures and barely visible patterns that reveal its underlying order and regularity. Seen in the light of the art historical concept of amor infiniti - love of the infinite and the infinitely many - patterns become a metaphor for the infinity of God.”

What a beautiful concept. It made me reflect on how throughout history, we looked for ways to connect to a higher power: the alpha and the omega.

And something as simple as a pattern —from our apparel to our art— can make us feel closer to a divine creator.

Hygge

We are in Denmark this week! And I enjoying getting to know Danish culture. One of my favorite concepts is hygge.

Hygge (pronounced “hooga") is a quality of coziness and comfortableness. It permeates all parts of the Danish culture. I am fascinated with how Danes approached this concept with their interior design.

But I am drawn to the broader concept explained on the Denmark website:

“In brief, hygge is about taking time away from the daily rush to be together with people you care about - or even by yourself - to relax and enjoy life's quieter pleasure. There is no agenda. You celebrate the small joys of life or maybe discuss deeper topics. It is an opportunity to unwind and take things slow.”

A wonderful way to live. No doubt why they’re one of the happiest countries in the world.

Det er fedt! Skal vi hygge? 🇩🇰

We're still us

I’m going on holiday today! The United Kingdom and Denmark. Excited to spend time with family across the pond and do some adventuring with my partner Tanvi.

As excited as I am, it made me think of this comic from the New Yorker: Oh no, we’re still us.

We all look for travel for a bit of escape. Mix things up. Shake up the humdrum. But at the end of the day, a good reminder we still bring ourselves to the destination. The same aches, pains, and everything in between.

It doesn’t get solved because we leave; it doesn’t wait until we return. The trip isn’t the solution. It’s always the internal work that is.

Enjoy the voyage — but don’t leave yourself behind!

Source: New Yorker