Small problems

In relationships: every big problem was as a small problem once.

When issues arise, we tend to kick the can down the road because you’ll deal with it “someday”. But eventually, it snowballs into a threatening monolith.

Can we identify the weeds that are starting to sprout before they become trouble? After all, we both are sharing the same pot of soil.

A few things I heard recently that can help us start from the source:

  1. If your partner is activating a tough emotion in you: try saying “Here’s what I’m scared to tell you” and lead with your heart.

  2. If you are activating a tough emotion in your partner: “If you mess up, fess up” and do it early and apologize well.

More honor, more mercy, more kindness, and more softness…if we address it small, our garden will bloom big.

Burst and hum

Masters were beginners once.

No matter the innate talent, everyone had to start somewhere. And starting is both ominous and exhilarating.

For me, I’ve started a journey to sing. And with anything new, progress is more zig-zag than straight: closer to a burst and hum.

Some days, you feel a breakthrough spurt (burst). While other weeks, it feels like a boring sputter (hum).

But a reminder: it doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as we are taking it.

Keep going!

Désolé

Apologizing is an art…..that we tend to botch.

But when done right, it can be immensely healing. Repairing trust and beginning anew starts with a genuine reparation.

What makes a great apology? Dr. Harriet Lerner mentions a couple of strong steps, but these resonated:

It’s the beginning, not the end.

We tend to hurriedly finish our apology, dust our hands, and move on. But with tougher situations, the feelings aren’t truly over.

We put the onus on the hurt recipient to bring it up again, where it should on us. So it’s our duty to check in beyond the first conversation: “I've been thinking about what happened. Are you feeling anything more?”

It fosters a healthier climate for a long-term conversation where the real healing begins.

Lower your armor and ammunition.

To protect ourselves, we sharpen our axe to react. As Dr. Lerner writes, “We listen for what we don't agree with, so we can defend ourselves and correct the facts.”

And then we bring our history book of previous transgressions from the relationship to fight fire with fire — and an argument isn’t far behind.

Both are ill-advised; rather, we should focus on their impact, regardless of why we did it (intention) and what came before it (past).

So…. is 🎶Is it too late to say I’m sorry? 🎶

Never too late, just (try to) do it right.

Sunshine

Summer is in full swing. And I trust many of you will soon be enjoying the full spectrum of the season: creamy ice cream to foamy beaches — with sunshine covering every inch of you.

But I also hope you get to spend it with people that feel like sunshine too.

We deserve to be surrounded by those where it feels effortless. Where it feels energizing. Where it feels free.

And if you realize you’re with people that make you feel more frosty than fun, I invite you to find warmth from those who give it willingly.

Because then the livin’ is easy.

Qareen

Our time here on Earth is a blip. A blink. A moment.

How can we spend it joyfully and wisely? Usually, it’s sharing loved experiences with our loved ones.

Speaking of loved ones, I came across a lovely set of tweets from Tariq Ismail on the levels of friendship in Arabic.

1. Zameel - someone you have a nodding acquaintance with

2. Jalees - someone you’re comfortable sitting with for a period of time

3. Sameer - you have good conversation with them

4. Nadeem - a drinking companion (just tea) that you might call when you’re free

5. Sahib - someone who’s concerned for your wellbeing

6. Rafeeq - someone you can depend upon. You’d probably go on holiday with them

7. Sadeeq - a true friend, someone who doesn’t befriend you for an ulterior motive

8. Khaleel - an intimate friend, someone whose presence makes you happy

9. Anees - someone with whom you’re really comfortable and familiar

10. Najiyy - a confidant, someone you trust deeply

11. Safiyy - your best friend, someone you’ve chosen over other friends

12. Qareen - someone who’s inseparable from you. You know how they think (and vice versa)

It was extraordinary to read how certain languages can describe intimacy so beautifully.

I pray that you have some (if not all) of these friends that fill up your cup — from Zameel to Qareen.

Rest is a right

This year: as the outside is slowly healing (sadly, some places more than others), it’s a good reminder that our inside is slowly healing too.

And healing = resting. I came across a great post on the different types of rest we need to fully bloom.

Here were my ways:

  1. Physical Rest - Stretching for 10 minutes after closing my laptop.

  2. Mental Rest - Listening to my “Cheer Up” playlist in the shower.

  3. Social Rest - Limiting back-to-back social events (up to 2).

  4. Creative Rest - Taking a walk with a podcast, and of course, this blog!

  5. Sensory Rest - Reading a physical book on the weekend morning before picking up my phone,

  6. Spiritual Rest - Participating in a virtual LinkedIn coaching & mentorship session with Braven.

  7. Emotional Rest - Calling my elders who live far away for 10 minutes.

As 2021 unfolds, my hope is that you’re building in time to renew and recover. Because it’s rightfully deserved.

How are you making space for yourself this year? 🌙

Slowly, then all at once

“An overnight success is 10 years in the making.”

Ain’t that the truth? But a decade is still a decade. A long, hard, winding, chaotic, unpredictable decade.

But… the comforting part: a step is also still a step. The tortoise still gets there eventually. Even if the other hares have been laughing at him.

So even if it’s slow….trust your training. Trust your process. Trust in “No Zero Days”.

Because all at once, you’re there.

Working in

We all have a favorite flavor of working out: running, swimming, lifting, walking or dancing.

And when we get hurt from a workout, we tend to our injury by visiting our physicians & specialists.

But what about giving similar energy for working in? Dedicated time to care for our mind & soul.

The beautiful part of ‘working in’ is it comes in various flavors too: meditating, drawing, reading, journaling or creating.

And if we have similar mental wounds from our past; we take the same time to care for ourselves through a therapist or counselor.

So a reminder to not just do the work outside in, but inside out too.

No feeling is final

As much as the world has changed this year and last, many of our feelings may have not.

Some feel peace. Some feel pain. And many of us are somewhere in the middle.

One phrase I continue to lean on: no feeling is final. Tomorrow will always be different, even if it doesn’t feel better.

It helps me feel humble on sunny days, and hope on the rainy ones.

So whatever you’re feeling…it’s okay. Just know it’s not the end.

Good apples

A tweet jolted me awake the other day:

It made me reflect on how we define “goodness”. We tend to evaluate ourselves on a spectrum of our own actions, but so often, we are silent bystanders to the nefarious actions we witness.

This came to bear even more when I saw Promising Young Woman, a harrowing reminder that we don’t do enough to speak up when it counts.

So a reminder to myself: have the strength to stand tall and use my voice — especially when it’s hard.

Don't bark yourself

For many of us, our manager has a huge impact on our day-to-day work experience.

Bad ones make the Sunday Scaries even more dreadful. Good ones feel like wind beneath your wings.

So what makes a good manager?

  • Thoughtful Editor: Your manager is the first to see your work, and the way they give feedback is so important. The good ones spend extraordinary amount of time pouring over your output to make it shine: with revisions, annotations and questions.

  • Safety, not intimidation: Things will go wrong at work; it’s not a matter of if but when. Not-so-good managers make you sweat before every meeting. Better ones can create pockets of security, letting openness and honesty be the bedrock of the relationship.

  • A Long Leash: Your were hired for a reason. Why not go out and deliver greatness? Awesome managers know that. They trust their team to do their job without getting in their business. A funny quote: “Don’t hire a dog so you can bark yourself.”

I hope many of us have the chance to work for great people, and if given the chance, manage people with grace.

Think small

“Bigness” is taught in every course, classroom and training.

And very good reasons: if we achieve a whole greater than the sum of its parts, it creates significant value for everyone.

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on where to think smaller. And there were two places that struck me:

Identity

We tend to fall into the dogma of who we aren’t and what we can’t do. And when we introduce such rigidity, we jail our potential into a petite space.

For me, this was changing my mindset on singing. Something I always wanted to do but was too proud to admit I could be a “singer”, and not just “a business guy who sings”.

As Conor Barnes writes, “ “I’m not the kind of person who does things like that’ is not an explanation, it’s a trap. It prevents nerds from working out and men from dancing.”

Needs

I had a wonderful coffee with my best friend’s dad. He is a seasoned founder, executive and family man. We were discussing the idea of risk & cost, an area that I am generally averse.

He gave some great counsel when you make big bets on yourself. “Keep your needs small.” As I discussed in my last post, we tend to accumulate 3x more than we really need. The more we can let go, the more tolerance we have to reach for moonshots.

If everything burned, what would keep your head & heart happy? The bare essentials can free us more than we imagine.

What other place can micro help us more than macro?

Clutter

The treadmill for “more” is endless. And as the saying goes, the more stuff we buy, the more our stuff owns us.

And we wake up to clutter: owning more stuff than we actually need: I am a #1 offender in this.

Gary Collins, author of The Simple Life, had some great questions to ask yourself before buying something:

  1. Do I need it?

    The toughest one to answer. Wants/needs are blurred so easily. A recommendation I found is to leave it in the cart or write it down, and a find way to “earn” it by reaching a goal.

  2. Can I afford it?

    And this includes all the hidden costs too (tax, service, fees, etc). I am a fan of having all the money up-front for the total cost of ownership; versus a payment plan.

  3. Can I live without it?

    Life will carry on as it always does. Will you remember the need for this in a week?

  4. Can I maintain it?

    When things break (and everything does break), I have the money and resources to fix it.

  5. How will I use it?

    I can commit to using this and not have it collect dust in a closet.

My hope for myself is to take an honest and practical eye on everything I own (and want to own).

Less is best.

Water the roots

My appreciation for sports has grown over the years, and it’s always impressive to watch championship teams. 

What’s remarkable is when you realize what it took to get there.

During the March Madness NCAA basketball tournament, one of the head coaches commented on own team’s development: “Water the roots, and not the leaves.”

Coaches spend years recruiting, training, investing and growing a body of young, inexperienced players. And it could take a decade before it all comes together.

And on players: the best coaches don’t just focus on the best “leaves” for now, but the promising “roots” for later.

Love this analogy on our own lives too: What fundamentals can you pour yourself into that will sprout success in 5 years?

Hello

My grandpa has a sweet tradition. As he walks up and down his street, he always stops and says hello.

Hello to children as he gives them a sweet.

Hello to neighbors as he asks about their garden.

Hello to elders to ask about their health.

Hello to vendors to ask about their business.

It’s such a beautiful, simple interaction that is sadly ebbing away. There are fewer reasons to acknowledge our community outside — since there are more reasons to stay inside. Work, goods, and services just arrive at our doorstep that reduces those “single-serving” interactions.

So as it becomes safer again to interact, it’ll be heaven to hear more “hellos”.

P.S. Interestingly: in the digital world (chat or messages), please don’t just say “hello”. Especially poignant in a work setting as it leaves too much room for heartache and anxiety.

All or something

Many of us have embarked on a journey for growth. But growth is always messy and never linear.

And in this journey, the hardest conversations are the ones we have with ourselves. I found myself slipping into binary lanes: you achieved or failed. You made it or you didn’t. 0 or 1.

I read a great concept from Aadam in Physiqonomics on giving yourself grace: it’s never all or nothing, it’s all or something.

For any goal: a step in the right direction is still a step — no matter how big it is.

And that’s something.

Be a blessing

Earlier this year, I read a book about Bill Campbell: a coach to hundreds of luminaries in Silicon Valley, notably Steve Jobs, Eric Schmidt, and Larry Page.

He was the type of guy who believed deeply in candor, caring, and comfort — and gave hours of his day to lift others to be great. A quotation I liked from him: “If you’ve been blessed, be a blessing”.

In many ways, we are products of luck, privilege, and environment— all blessings, either disguised or not. So why not share in the fortune and always pay it forward?

Count your blessings, and be the blessing other people count on.

XXXI Club

Another trip around the sun! It’s been an astonishing year. Peaks, valleys, and everything in between.

Some of my reflections on my first year in my third decade:

  • Govern your time. The pandemic’s gift was a study in time — realizing how much we have and how much we may have left. It’s the one universal shared resource we all must spend. Are you using your “budget” wisely? If not, what can do you differently this year?

  • You are your own best friend. It always starts at the beginning. No one is going to look after yourself as much as you can. So indulge in every precious moment you can to take care of everything that matters to you.

  • Create, build, make: I keep coming back to this. I sincerely believe it’s the most unblinking fixture of humanity: stand in the arena and put something out in the world. The process is wildly sobering & fulfilling.

In the spirit of a fresh new year, I am thrilled to join two wonderful folks: writer Kylee from Blue Sky Mind & artist Jenny Haught to discuss the intended & unintended effects of the last year: Processing the Pandemic:

Join us on Clubhouse tomorrow, Sunday, March 14 @ 8pm CT / 9pm ET. (Email me if you would like an invite; iPhone only at this time)

Come share your story & bring meaning to this time.

Nothing is so humble

I toured the Whitney Museum of American Art yesterday, and it was enchanting.

It was the first time I listened to an audio tour. You could hear how artists conceptualized their pieces and memorialize their life in subtle meanings & messages. Highly recommend!

One specific installation that was especially vibrant was “Nothing is So Humble” — showcasing prints from everyday objects. Artists used styrofoam, banana skins, pantyhoses and other ordinary objects as their canvas.

The curators write: “The resulting surface impressions—at once precise and abstracted—capture intimate views of their commonplace subjects that teeter between recognizable and elusive. By making visible what might otherwise be overlooked, these works transform ordinary encounters into poetic and poignant accounts of our world.”

It filled me with awe. Beauty can be found in the simplest of places, if only we choose to look.

Source: Whitney Museum

Source: Whitney Museum


Finer than fiction

Lately, I’m expanding my horizon in books — I am enjoying reading a romance novel: Normal People.

It’s been interesting to spectate a fictional love story: especially with emotions that feel so real and raw they jump off the page.

And it made me reflect on whom we love and why we love them. And how hard it is to do sometimes.

Lasting love seems to be choice. The choice to stay together. The choice to do without abandon. The choice to make it a verb.

And if we choose, reality can be better than any dream.