Thinking Out Loud
To many, you were broad-shouldered and Navy strong. To me, you loved to dance and hum a good song.
To many, you stood tall and firm when the going got tough. To me, being sensitive and sweet was more than enough.
To many, your whistle and laugh were heard far and wide. To me, you just needed a newspaper, some tea, and your loving wife.
To many, you were Commander Arun Rao. To me, you were my Ajja.
Rest in love đ
Last night, I saw the inimitable John Legend. He shared a preview of a sterling new song: Stardust. It was a lovely ballad to his wife â but I was drawn to some of his philosophy:
âWe have a piece of the universe inside us. Each of us is special and part of something bigger. Itâs a biological fact.â
Itâs hard to comprehend somedays, but the truth is: we are built from eternity. A mixture of substances from a primeval age. A miracle billions of years in the making.
We all get bogged down in the day-to-day, but once in a while: a reminder to open up the aperture.
As Josteein Garder writes: âWhen we look up at the sky, we are trying to find the way back to ourselves.â đ
I read an interesting line:
Do not try to be the man your father would want you to be. Be the man you would like your son to be. It more clearly defines your own convictions, desires, goals, and motivates you to be your best.
Most of us look up to our parents as an example, and rightfully so: they imbue us with so many upstanding values.
But sometimes, aspiring to be a perfect reflection of our mom or dad may not be ideal. We can revere them, but donât have to replicate them.
Rather, we can take their best traits, but also build new traits that would make our children proud.
The fact of life is that we all screw up. Itâs not a matter of if, but a matter of when.
Itâs natural and okay, as a long we can genuinely apologize.
Whatâs helping me lately is the idea that most people are trying their best even if itâs the worst. If they wronged you, thereâs usually a glacier of struggle under them that contributed to it.
And that means to give more grace â both to them and yourself. Because we all can be redeemed.
A word typically used in investing, I have been thinking about is asymmetric upside.
Simply put, trying things where the upside is much greater than the downside.
For most of my life, Iâve held a conservative view on risk, tending to fixate on âwhat could go wrong"â versus âwhat could go right". A defensive strategy.
But now, Iâve been more curious about how to flip the script and play my chips more offensively. Focus on things that may never pan out, but if they do, it could be exponential. That includes writing more, creating more, and meeting more.
Playing to win, not playing to lose. How about you? What bets are you making that could pay out 1000 to 1?
Two decades ago, we were changed forever.
It was both harrowing and humbling to revisit the memorial this year in NYC.
I was reminded of the hope, resilience, and sacrifice of that day and the years after â plus how the community and the nation banded together to bring us back over 20 years.
We shall never forget.
Vintage V
My dad turns 60 today.
He's been everything and more for me: a thoughtful planner, a caring counselor, an avid traveler, a wine & golf enthusiast, and a safe harbor.
He is equal parts strength, steadiness, and silliness â with a heaping dash of fun.
Papa: Some of the best days in my life are the ones I've shared with you.
Love you to the moon and back. Happy birthday!
Hosting is a beautiful skill.
Great hosts can create an event that feels like a magical kingdom; where guests feel drawn into an enchanting, alternate universe filled with lasting memories â sometimes for life.
But what does it take to be a great host? I finished a terrific book that answers this: The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker â a master facilitator and organizer.
Some of my salient takeaways:
Purpose: Be crisp & specific: Think about your eventâs âwhyâ â whether itâs ideating, celebrating, or remembering. Being very intentional helps with setting the right fit.
What is the social contract you're building with your guests? Donât break it to them when they arrive; you need to prime them in advance.
Guest List: Thoughtful exclusion: More the merrier isnât great if it destroys purpose. Itâs actually more generous and defining for the guests that do AND donât come. Start with an intimacy gauge: Priya writes: âChoose the depth of the swimming pool - either deep end or shallow end. Either way, you're getting wet.â
Rule of thumb: 6 for forging deep discussion, 8-12 for liveliness, and 12-30 for a party that crackles with energy.
Before the Event: Brand it & create intrigue: Start by giving your event an actual name that aligns with your purpose & people. (e.g. âOliviaâs Tiki Time 30thâ vs. âMy 30th bday!â). Before people step into your space, think about how you can create energy in advance. The clock starts as soon as guests are aware of the existence of the event.
For example, if you are hosting a cheese tasting, send a gift card for a local cheese shop for people to buy in advance. Or share a prompt or question for people to consider before they step in.
During the Event: Donât be chill: Many of us think we should let the event just flow. This is actually a terrible thing for your guests, as they are left to fumble around. Rather, itâs better to gently govern. From Priya: âBe bold - if you wanât to be chill, go the Arctic.â
Your role: 1) protect time (e.g. start and close the event) 2) equalize everyone (e.g. no oneâs voice should overtake another) and 3) connect (be active in creating glue.)
Wonderful advice as we host more gatherings in the coming months. And with some practice, we can leave our guests better than we found them. đ
As I wrote a few months ago, Iâve been enjoying the extra sunshine of the season.
And as the summer rolled on, the idea stuck with me further⊠that I wrote a song!
This is something Iâve always wanted to do as I grow as a singer and a musician.
Huge gratitude to my talented uncle, Vivek Govil, who helped me arrange, produce and accompany me with a guitar. (Check out his music too!)
I came across a beautiful Zulu term: âUbuntuâ
Though there are many meanings, the simplest one I found was: âI am because you are.â
Everything we achieve has roots in the sacrifices of others. We fly far because of our community: the wind beneath our wings.
And as our life unfolds, each piece from a person starts to come together into something sublime.
A beautiful constellation. A stunning mosaic.
Iâve been enamored with some of the feats in the Tokyo Olympics.
Olympians pour their mind, soul, and body to compete at the highest levels â some for decades. And itâs amazing to see records demolished every 4 years as athletes push themselves faster and farther.
A few athletes that struck me:
Quan Hongchan - A diver who scored two perfect 10sâŠat 14. She entered diving to support her mother who is managing a difficult illness.
Oksana Chusovitina - A gymnast who is competing in her eighth OlympicsâŠ.at 46. She has persisted in a sport few take beyond their 20s.
It made me appreciate all the hours spent outside the spotlight. Burning with purpose and fueled by grit, both reached rarefied air through exceptional discipline and work.
Damian Lillard, a superstar NBA player said it best: âIf you want to look good in front of thousands, you have to outwork thousands in front of nobody..."
This past weekend, I was lucky to visit the Monet exhibit at the MFA in Boston.
It was an exceptional exhibit. I was particularly drawn to the relationship between two Impressionist virtuosos: Claude Monet and Auguste Rodin.
The two were born two days apart in November 1840. Both were extremely renowned and respected as contemporariesâŠ.which could have fractured into an inimical and sour relationship.
Rather: the two looked at each other with fondness. Inspired by each others work, they wrote hundreds of letters to each other: coaching, teasing, challenging, and loving.
After 50+ years of friendship, Rodin wrote to Monet: âI still have the same admiration for the artist who helped me understand light, clouds, the sea, the cathedrals that I already loved so much, but whose beauty awakened at dawn by your interpretation moved me so deeply.â
Is there a peer in your life who frustrates but focuses you? Perhaps itâs time to shine a new light: from competitive to kindred.
Weâve all had our fair share of knocks. And some of the toughest knocks come from those we care about the most.
In a recent interview, John Mayer says a particularly resonant phrase: Donât create bonds with scar tissue.
We tend to find some of the sharpest and deepest connections with pain. Some pain can lead to growth, but other recurring pain can leave you hollow.
And you can be addicted to the hurt and keep coming back to it. A good check: What scars do you return to? What can you move on from?
Because sometimes: the loving is the leaving.
Many of us are taking extended days off to go on holiday.
Itâs well deserved: rest and renewal are so vital to keep the lights on. But what if you dream about the Caribbean every week? Or Mykonos every Monday?
Thereâs a tradeoff to escapism: when youâre just not that happy with your day-to-day that you need to leave it constantly.
So when youâre planning your future vacation, spend a little time on your present reality. Can you find happiness not far from home?
In relationships: every big problem was as a small problem once.
When issues arise, we tend to kick the can down the road because youâll deal with it âsomedayâ. But eventually, it snowballs into a threatening monolith.
Can we identify the weeds that are starting to sprout before they become trouble? After all, we both are sharing the same pot of soil.
A few things I heard recently that can help us start from the source:
If your partner is activating a tough emotion in you: try saying âHereâs what Iâm scared to tell youâ and lead with your heart.
If you are activating a tough emotion in your partner: âIf you mess up, fess upâ and do it early and apologize well.
More honor, more mercy, more kindness, and more softnessâŠif we address it small, our garden will bloom big.
Masters were beginners once.
No matter the innate talent, everyone had to start somewhere. And starting is both ominous and exhilarating.
For me, Iâve started a journey to sing. And with anything new, progress is more zig-zag than straight: closer to a burst and hum.
Some days, you feel a breakthrough spurt (burst). While other weeks, it feels like a boring sputter (hum).
But a reminder: it doesnât matter how long it takes, as long as we are taking it.
Keep going!
Apologizing is an artâŠ..that we tend to botch.
But when done right, it can be immensely healing. Repairing trust and beginning anew starts with a genuine reparation.
What makes a great apology? Dr. Harriet Lerner mentions a couple of strong steps, but these resonated:
We tend to hurriedly finish our apology, dust our hands, and move on. But with tougher situations, the feelings arenât truly over.
We put the onus on the hurt recipient to bring it up again, where it should on us. So itâs our duty to check in beyond the first conversation: âI've been thinking about what happened. Are you feeling anything more?â
It fosters a healthier climate for a long-term conversation where the real healing begins.
To protect ourselves, we sharpen our axe to react. As Dr. Lerner writes, âWe listen for what we don't agree with, so we can defend ourselves and correct the facts.â
And then we bring our history book of previous transgressions from the relationship to fight fire with fire â and an argument isnât far behind.
Both are ill-advised; rather, we should focus on their impact, regardless of why we did it (intention) and what came before it (past).
SoâŠ. is đ¶Is it too late to say Iâm sorry? đ¶
Never too late, just (try to) do it right.
Summer is in full swing. And I trust many of you will soon be enjoying the full spectrum of the season: creamy ice cream to foamy beaches â with sunshine covering every inch of you.
But I also hope you get to spend it with people that feel like sunshine too.
We deserve to be surrounded by those where it feels effortless. Where it feels energizing. Where it feels free.
And if you realize youâre with people that make you feel more frosty than fun, I invite you to find warmth from those who give it willingly.
Because then the livinâ is easy.
Our time here on Earth is a blip. A blink. A moment.
How can we spend it joyfully and wisely? Usually, itâs sharing loved experiences with our loved ones.
Speaking of loved ones, I came across a lovely set of tweets from Tariq Ismail on the levels of friendship in Arabic.
1. Zameel - someone you have a nodding acquaintance with
2. Jalees - someone youâre comfortable sitting with for a period of time
3. Sameer - you have good conversation with them
4. Nadeem - a drinking companion (just tea) that you might call when youâre free
5. Sahib - someone whoâs concerned for your wellbeing
6. Rafeeq - someone you can depend upon. Youâd probably go on holiday with them
7. Sadeeq - a true friend, someone who doesnât befriend you for an ulterior motive
8. Khaleel - an intimate friend, someone whose presence makes you happy
9. Anees - someone with whom youâre really comfortable and familiar
10. Najiyy - a confidant, someone you trust deeply
11. Safiyy - your best friend, someone youâve chosen over other friends
12. Qareen - someone whoâs inseparable from you. You know how they think (and vice versa)
It was extraordinary to read how certain languages can describe intimacy so beautifully.
I pray that you have some (if not all) of these friends that fill up your cup â from Zameel to Qareen.
This year: as the outside is slowly healing (sadly, some places more than others), itâs a good reminder that our inside is slowly healing too.
And healing = resting. I came across a great post on the different types of rest we need to fully bloom.
Here were my ways:
Physical Rest - Stretching for 10 minutes after closing my laptop.
Mental Rest - Listening to my âCheer Upâ playlist in the shower.
Social Rest - Limiting back-to-back social events (up to 2).
Creative Rest - Taking a walk with a podcast, and of course, this blog!
Sensory Rest - Reading a physical book on the weekend morning before picking up my phone,
Spiritual Rest - Participating in a virtual LinkedIn coaching & mentorship session with Braven.
Emotional Rest - Calling my elders who live far away for 10 minutes.
As 2021 unfolds, my hope is that youâre building in time to renew and recover. Because itâs rightfully deserved.
How are you making space for yourself this year? đ