Interested

We can all work on our relationship-building skills. Friends, family, colleagues, partners — there are always ways we can improve.

For a long time, I believed I needed to be interesting for folks to connect with me. Have cool hobbies, a great career, and perhaps a little mystery in who I am. Only then could I foster bonds that weren’t superficial.

But as I got older, I realized something else. It’s better to be interested. True curiosity about a person’s story. If we are authentically attentive, we can form a closeness that’s deep and durable.

A good lesson to understand than to be understood.

Song of Joy

I saw a wonderful play this past week: Song of Joy.

It’s written and acted by Carol Mazhuvancheril — who writes an autobiographical story of his life transitioning from Kerala, South India to other places in the world. He struggles with his own identity and finding “home” in different environments.

What I thought was most fascinating was his commentary on his relationship with his immigrant parents. He writes: “children of immigrants often have to balance what they owe their parents with what they owe themselves.”

Many of my generation go through this dilemma - and it’s a delicate balance. We want to honor our parents: their sacrifice and boldness; but we also want to light our own path that may never fit their worldview. It’s a lifelong process of discovery and self-unfoldment.

For those in similar situations: how have you navigated this balancing act?

Engineer's Mindset

Happy 2023! Many of us are embarking on a fresh slate of goals. Resolutions get a bad wrap, but I believe there’s power in a ‘temporal landmark’––a fresh start where you can separate the past from the present.

In this journey, here’s a thought that I liked: have an artist’s ambition but an engineer’s mindset.

First, dream big like an artist. Weirdly enough, visualize failure. What obstacles you could face? Where could you stumble? Then like an engineer, dissect these issues and build your process. Every input, every action. Reframe your identity and environment.

Be impatient with your actions, but be patient with the results. And give yourself grace: it’s better to be consistently good than occasionally perfect. Anything is better than nothing.

Will be rooting for you this year! How are you engineering your plan?

Let You Go

As 2022 winds down, I’m grateful for another trip around the sun on this beautiful marble. A good time to reflect too.

My favorite tool to do this is the YearCompass booklet. It takes a few hours, but it’s a terrific way to honor your milestones. Some of my favorite questions:

- What’s the wisest decision you made this year?
- What’s the biggest lesson you learned?
- What is the best thing you discovered about yourself?

There’s also space to forgive yourself. To acknowledge any scar tissue and be done with it.

Let go of the past. It’ll let you go too. Have a fantastic 2023.

The Long Haul

The holidays are here! As we gather together, I am thankful that many of us can be with our loved ones. (And for those who are apart, I hold you in my heart.)

The journey will always be trying and messy. A special appreciation to the people willing to take on the ride with us. Those who extend refuge. Those who give us a safe harbor. Those who comfort, nourish, and watch over us.

Those who love for the long haul. Happy Christmas.

P.S. I’m especially grateful to meet my new little niece, Asha. The best gift for our family!

Comfort vs. Counsel

There have been a few stumbles this year. And times when I’ve been totally knocked down. It’s only natural in the rhythm of life. But still painful nevertheless.

When you’re stuck at the bottom, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. You would move mountains for your loved ones too.

But before I ask for or give support, I love this thought exercise: “Do I/they need comfort or counsel?” In many cases, providing answers can be ineffectual. Most times we already know the answer; it’s just hard to bear right now. Asking the question directly can match our best intent with what they need.

For the majority of cases, starting with comfort can actually be the most caring. The power of “I hear you, I see you, and I’m with you.” is extraordinary. This a reminder to myself to remember to soothe, before starting to solve.

Tension

Most of us are goal-oriented. We have big dreams, filled with resolve and drive to get there. We want to be something.

But in the process, there can be a lot of noise introduced—doubts, fears, and opinions. We may start to behave in ways that others want. It becomes more about “them” and less about “you.”

I read a proverb recently that I appreciated: Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

If gripped by that gnawing feeling of anxiety, something is amiss. That tension is a signal to check in on your needs vs the world’s needs. When relaxed, I found serenity can flow easily — and I can do a true reflection of what I want.

As the end of the year draws near, what state are you in?

The Kitchen Table

I finished reading The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama. A fantastic follow-up to her best-seller Becoming, Mrs. Obama talks about how we can harness our inner brightness to become our best selves.

So many learnings, but the one I loved the most was the idea of a Kitchen Table. It’s the idea of investing in enduring friendship. Loved ones who keep showing up—in closeness, in commitment, in compromise, and even in fatigue. Those who would sit around your kitchen table.

Michelle, with a funny metaphor, says to find barnacles. A social convoy that will stick with you in rough tides; stalwart and unshakeable. And when you need help, they can take the pieces of you and give them back in the right order.

Immense gratitude for these types of friends in my life (with a special shout-out to one in particular: Anam Lotia, who gifted me this book too!). Hope you have the gift of these friendships at your table too.

“We are each other's harvest; we are each other's business; we are each other's magnitude and bond.” Gwendolyn Brooks

The Fire and the Fireplace

I was listening to a podcast discussing how people navigate a fulfilling life. Psychologist Dr. Byock shared an insight on how there is “a tug of war between meaning and stability.”

Meaning is a fire, where we crave openness, freedom, and adventure—while stability is a fireplace, where we look for safety and groundedness. We need both to feel complete; yet, it can feel it can pull us in opposite directions. Do I cast off into uncharted waters? Or stay comfortable on dry land?

As I write this in Pune, India, I feel grateful for family —something that has given me both: wonderful meaning with incredible stability. And it’s a shared sentiment across most countries (see below).

What’s bringing you meaning & stability this year? Hope you can find either (or both!) to warm you for a long time to come! Happy Thanksgiving.

Source: Pew Research

Fighting For

I went to a talk with Friends star & actor, Matthew Perry. He was promoting his new memoir: Friends, Lovers and a Big Terrible Thing. And I just finished reading his story.

Wow. What a harrowing journey. He was raw and unflinching about his battle with addiction. 65 detoxes, 10+ relapses, 5+ surgeries, and flirting with death — Perry was struggling with this disease for multiple decades. I was taken aback by the psychological war he faced privately while keeping up his success publicly.

At the end of the book, Perry recounts a great quote that helped him: “When we go before Him, God will ask, ‘Where are your scars?’ Most would proudly say, ‘I have no scars.’ And God will ask, "Was there nothing worth fighting for?’”

No matter how rich, famous, or privileged — we all fight against something. And it’s bound to batter and bruise us along the way.

Remember it’s a testament not to how much you’ve lost, but to how far you’ve come.

Allowing

Life commitments can quickly add up. Duties with family, responsibilities with work, plans with friends.

If we’re not careful, it can sap every ounce of energy from us. I’ve been reflecting on how important it is with setting and keeping personal boundaries.

One question to ask yourself: “What am I allowing?”

Taking this audit every so often can illuminate patterns of where things are breaking. And hopefully, give us the permission to take back what’s in our control.

Credit: The Perry Bible Fellowship Comics

Tender Warrior

My Ammama would have been 80 years old this week.

I remember her with so much love and admiration. She was an incredible woman — graceful, classy, poised, beautiful, and lovely.

As I think about her life, I am in awe of how tall she stood. Despite growing up in a society that had certain expectations for women, Ammama did life her way. She played badminton, taught as a principal, traveled the world, plus looked after the entire family.

She was fiercely independent. But also incredibly loving as well.

A tender warrior. Through and through. 💙

Leisure

I read a fascinating article on leisure from the Atlantic. It covered how we’ve tuned our brains to stimulation & hustle… to our detriment.

In fact, people are so uncomfortable with stillness that it was studied. “In a 2014 study, researchers left people in a room alone for six to 15 minutes with nothing to do and found that the participants turned to almost any available activity, including administering painful electric shocks (!) to themselves.”

I struggle with this—usually reaching for my phone for idle time. There were a few points the author made to help:

1. Start small — Sit peacefully for 5 minutes in a pleasant place, letting your mind wander.

2. Go unstructured — Leave room for “white” spaces on a trip. Keep time open to explore without a plan or schedule.

3. Soft fascination — Choose activities that gently hold attention — such as wave watching or nature walking. These are more restorative than a traditional leisure activity like TV or reading.

How do you embrace the art of doing nothing?

Round Up

There was a nice phrase I saw the other day on relationships. “Be with someone who rounds you up.”

It was a wonderful statement — when someone goes out of their way to boost their partner. We are all imperfect and incomplete; but in the eyes of our loved ones, it doesn’t matter.

They acknowledge your worst; but more importantly, encourage your best. I see this trait in my parents. Two vastly different people, but at the end of the day, take each other as they are.

And today: they’ll be married for 37 years! A lifetime of love & rounding up. 💙

R. M. N.

Last week, I saw a wonderful movie R.M.N. at the 60th New York Film Festival.

It was a fascinating portrayal of a village set in Romania. It covers a wide variety of topics — such as cultural xenophobia and economic disparity.

As someone who doesn’t see many international films, I had a wonderful experience. The best part of the film was all the languages spoken: Romanian, Hungarian, German, English, French, and Sinhala.

A neat design decision: the English subtitles changed colors as the characters talked (e.g. purple for French, orange for Hungarian, white for Romanian). It created this remarkable effect of seeing different cultures intersect in real time without knowing any words.

I left thinking despite how broad the world is, the issues remain the same. The human condition is universal, no matter where you go.

What international films have you recently seen that you loved?

Wander

“Not all those who wander are lost.”

A wonderful quote that my best friend, Varun, often shares with me. It’s a soothing reminder that no path is ever wrong. And an ideal path is only ideal for that person.

Doubt has occasionally crept up in me over the years. Am I moving too slowly in this area? Why aren’t things going a certain way?

But I’m reminded that it’s okay to let it just unfold. There are no proper timelines or straight answers. It’s perfectly fine to figure it out on the way.

You aren’t lost; you’re just living. 🌤

Seagulls

I was at a career workshop recently that talked about managers. There were two types that made me laugh: seagulls and plati-pus (“platypus”).

What’s a seagull manager? Someone who swoops in, poops on everything, and leaves the scene. 💩 Think of any presentation & document you wrote that was completely red-lined.

What’s a plati-pus manager? Someone who shares platitudes — generic & trite statements — when asked for support. 🙈 The “you’re gonna be okay” but not giving more tailored feedback.

It was such an apt metaphor for what we’ve all seen in the workplace. And it made me reflect on how simple behaviors from leaders can really affect the team.

How about you? Seen any critter-like styles in your career? 🦆

Indecision

Do you struggle to make small decisions?

For me, that’s at a restaurant. I always feel on edge when scanning a long menu — trying to parse through all the options. It leaves me a bit frantic as I internally debate and finally select. I’m scared of getting it “wrong.”

I listened to a podcast that covers this issue: Everyday indecisiveness.

There were a handful of tips shared:

• Let go of the idea of the 'perfect decision'. We associate a “bad decision” with being a “bad person”. That puts significant stress on ourselves —we don’t need to carry that emotional weight. Most decisions just need 'good enough', where any choice will do just fine.

• Allow yourself three to five options max. Be less choosy about how you choose. Whittle down options to at most 5 options that you really are considering. Any more choices lead to analysis paralysis. And if you’re really struggling, literally flip a coin!

• Practice trusting yourself. Yes, it’s helpful to get a second opinion. But remember your instincts are generally good. If the outcome is less serious, rely on yourself for the decision. It’ll feel uncomfortable, but generally, you know what's right for you at any given moment.

• Rely on routines: To reduce decision fatigue, keep a general routine of things you plan to do weekly (exercise, meals). For me, a calendar is hugely helpful here with recurring event blocks. Plan for an 80/20 upkeep — the wiggle room is helpful.

• Declutter your space. Reduce your wardrobe by a quarter or half. Pick apparel you really love - and sell/donate everything else. It’ll help clear your thinking to get dressed faster — one less decision!

I also like the concept from Jeff Bezos: two-way doors. Just as a door swings two ways, most decisions are reversible or changeable. You can be kind to yourself knowing what you choose is not permanent and can be fixed quickly.

Being decisive is a skill we all can practice. So err on the side of choosing. Everything else will follow!

Energy Review

Energy. We’re all given a finite amount.

It ebbs and flows — but at the end of the day, it’s so personal. And I’ve realized that we need to be thoughtful about how we harness it. I came across a thought exercise to help me understand this better: Energy Review.

1. What gave me energy?

2. What drained my energy?

3. What should I have said no to?

4. What could have been delegated or eliminated?

I like to do it monthly. It helps me see patterns where I feel full and where I feel empty.

From this, I found I enjoy 1:1/1:few hangouts (group dinners), a novel experience (like a new rooftop or experience), or a creative adventure (seeing a performance, composing music) . Large get-togethers and back-to-back social activities are tiring.

What activates energy in you? What depletes you? ⚡️

Squiggly Lines

I used to believe if you gave a full effort, your results would naturally move up and to the right.

But as I’ve gotten older, the real truth came to bear: progress is messy. It’s never that beautiful curve that bends up. Squiggly lines, no smooth lines.

I’ve noticed this directly in my career. Your best-laid plans go…poof. Change is constant —new strategies, products, managers, locations, colleagues. And throw in a global pandemic to truly turn the tables. Over the last decade, I’ve taken roles I never considered. I’ve moved to cities I had previously written off.

It’s funny though: despite the zigs and zags, I’ve looked back at my career with some level of comfort. As Steve Jobs said, “You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

A lot of years left to live & grow. Acknowledging we just have to press through the mess. And appreciate the squiggle along the way.