XXXIII

I turned 33 last week. (A palindrome in both decimal and binary!) Some reflections:

• 💭 Don’t believe everything you think. Your mind will always take care of you, but sometimes it does too much. I’ve been my own worst enemy at times, fighting with myself on why I’m not good enough. I’m learning to be friends with the voice inside my head.

• 📏 Measure once, cut once: I want to get better at balancing planning and execution. There are times I’ve gone too fast (cut too early) or too slow (measured twice). Both led to poor outcomes in my projects. A reminder to make a solid plan, don’t over-engineer it, and just GO.

• 💙 Start gently, end gracefully. We hold ourselves up to impossible standards. And when we stumble, our first reaction is to lambast. There’s so much worth in treating ourselves with love. Be gentle with yourself. And when our loved ones stumble too, give them grace. Forgive them, learn together, and start again.

Grateful for the blessings of the past year and thankful for the gifts ahead in the new year!

1-on-1

I’ve been spending time in my hometown in the last few weeks. I’m blessed to have so many loved ones here.

My brother and I are planning an event so we can see everyone and catch up. But as I reflected, was it really a “catch up”? At best, I’d hear about the topline topics: work, family, trips, etc. But at worst, it would feel shallow — I don’t actually know about their life.

So I planned a lot more individual hangouts. It’s been lovely — we can truly ask and answer the question: How are you really doing? And spend the time discovering the deep grooves.

Grateful to always leave these chats with a full cup. So when it comes to folks I care about, a good reminder to myself to think small… and take them for coffee. ☕️

Curve That Line Back

I liked this piece by cartoonist Dave Kellett: Your Life is a Line.

He reflects on silver linings. Setbacks are normal and common — things will eventually go awry.

But being knocked down is different from being knocked out; it’s always an opportunity. It can clarify what we want, where we want to go, and with whom we want to do it.

Understanding what life has given us may take months. But time heals. And we will soon be ready to draw a new page.

Can we turn a curve ball into a curve blessing?

Source; Dave Kellett

Doing That

I liked this tweet from Richard Ngo:

I often look at people's achievements and think: I wish I'd done that. More rarely, I see the work that went into those achievements and think: I wish I were doing that.

It’s natural to glamorize the finish line. The folks who summit are the most admirable.

But every race had months of practice. Every climb had days of work. Every overnight success was 10 years in the making.

A good pinch-me reminder to fall in love with the work that got there. The rest takes care of itself.

Fun

Getting good means getting comfortable with patience. Showing up — again and again and again — over a long period of time begets results.

But as the process grinds on, motivation fluctuates, and it’s discipline that carries us the rest of the way. But does it always have to be a slog? I was reflecting on some of my goals, and I wondered: “How can I make this fun?”

Miraculously, it seems I can shake off the fatigue & irritation when I’m doing something enjoyable. But there’s always a “compelling” reason to avoid or stop the work for everything else.

Some things I’m trying are: 1) paying myself $5 every workout for a bigger purchase down the road, 2) stretching in the shower where my muscles are warm and relaxed, and 3) joining a choir to sing in a group versus tackling it alone.

So far, it’s revitalized a lot of my energy. How are you injecting delight in the drudgery?

I Wouldn't

I saw this great piece from Ron Lim, a poet who writes musings on Coffee Shop Writings.

I’m drawn to his thinking here. He wouldn’t start over, because everything happens for a reason.

Hard things are natural. But we can handle hard better, knowing there’s always a chance to begin again.

No need to go back. You are what comes next.

Inside Job

At some level, we chase fulfillment, peace, and happiness.

For so long, I looked to others to fill that cup for me. And rightfully so, our circle adds so much light and love to our lives.

But I’ve realized so much joy can be discovered not far from home. The person who can soothe, comfort, and support … has been with me all along.

A good reminder to myself: Happiness is an inside job.

Enroll Them

There are many unspoken rules at work. And it’s been an ongoing process that I’m continuing to learn.

An example? How to influence — especially when you’re not in a position of power. I read a post by founder Tom Chavez that made me reflect. He writes: Don’t tell people what to do, enroll them in your plan.

It’s the idea that people won’t always listen to your what but be intrigued by the why. Leading with the goal, how your proposal ladders up to it, and how it will benefit them. And repeat it often; don’t expect it to sink in the first couple of conversations. Inspire with the vision of where you’re going rather than tell people what to do.

A good reminder from Tom: “Succeeding in business was a dialectic, a continuous process of shaping and discussing and becoming.”

P.S. It’s been difficult to see so many wonderful people affected by layoffs and reductions. Being let go is awful, and my heart is with many of you. Sending a lot of comfort to those affected.

Interested

We can all work on our relationship-building skills. Friends, family, colleagues, partners — there are always ways we can improve.

For a long time, I believed I needed to be interesting for folks to connect with me. Have cool hobbies, a great career, and perhaps a little mystery in who I am. Only then could I foster bonds that weren’t superficial.

But as I got older, I realized something else. It’s better to be interested. True curiosity about a person’s story. If we are authentically attentive, we can form a closeness that’s deep and durable.

A good lesson to understand than to be understood.

Song of Joy

I saw a wonderful play this past week: Song of Joy.

It’s written and acted by Carol Mazhuvancheril — who writes an autobiographical story of his life transitioning from Kerala, South India to other places in the world. He struggles with his own identity and finding “home” in different environments.

What I thought was most fascinating was his commentary on his relationship with his immigrant parents. He writes: “children of immigrants often have to balance what they owe their parents with what they owe themselves.”

Many of my generation go through this dilemma - and it’s a delicate balance. We want to honor our parents: their sacrifice and boldness; but we also want to light our own path that may never fit their worldview. It’s a lifelong process of discovery and self-unfoldment.

For those in similar situations: how have you navigated this balancing act?

Engineer's Mindset

Happy 2023! Many of us are embarking on a fresh slate of goals. Resolutions get a bad wrap, but I believe there’s power in a ‘temporal landmark’––a fresh start where you can separate the past from the present.

In this journey, here’s a thought that I liked: have an artist’s ambition but an engineer’s mindset.

First, dream big like an artist. Weirdly enough, visualize failure. What obstacles you could face? Where could you stumble? Then like an engineer, dissect these issues and build your process. Every input, every action. Reframe your identity and environment.

Be impatient with your actions, but be patient with the results. And give yourself grace: it’s better to be consistently good than occasionally perfect. Anything is better than nothing.

Will be rooting for you this year! How are you engineering your plan?

Let You Go

As 2022 winds down, I’m grateful for another trip around the sun on this beautiful marble. A good time to reflect too.

My favorite tool to do this is the YearCompass booklet. It takes a few hours, but it’s a terrific way to honor your milestones. Some of my favorite questions:

- What’s the wisest decision you made this year?
- What’s the biggest lesson you learned?
- What is the best thing you discovered about yourself?

There’s also space to forgive yourself. To acknowledge any scar tissue and be done with it.

Let go of the past. It’ll let you go too. Have a fantastic 2023.

The Long Haul

The holidays are here! As we gather together, I am thankful that many of us can be with our loved ones. (And for those who are apart, I hold you in my heart.)

The journey will always be trying and messy. A special appreciation to the people willing to take on the ride with us. Those who extend refuge. Those who give us a safe harbor. Those who comfort, nourish, and watch over us.

Those who love for the long haul. Happy Christmas.

P.S. I’m especially grateful to meet my new little niece, Asha. The best gift for our family!

Comfort vs. Counsel

There have been a few stumbles this year. And times when I’ve been totally knocked down. It’s only natural in the rhythm of life. But still painful nevertheless.

When you’re stuck at the bottom, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. You would move mountains for your loved ones too.

But before I ask for or give support, I love this thought exercise: “Do I/they need comfort or counsel?” In many cases, providing answers can be ineffectual. Most times we already know the answer; it’s just hard to bear right now. Asking the question directly can match our best intent with what they need.

For the majority of cases, starting with comfort can actually be the most caring. The power of “I hear you, I see you, and I’m with you.” is extraordinary. This a reminder to myself to remember to soothe, before starting to solve.

Tension

Most of us are goal-oriented. We have big dreams, filled with resolve and drive to get there. We want to be something.

But in the process, there can be a lot of noise introduced—doubts, fears, and opinions. We may start to behave in ways that others want. It becomes more about “them” and less about “you.”

I read a proverb recently that I appreciated: Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

If gripped by that gnawing feeling of anxiety, something is amiss. That tension is a signal to check in on your needs vs the world’s needs. When relaxed, I found serenity can flow easily — and I can do a true reflection of what I want.

As the end of the year draws near, what state are you in?

The Kitchen Table

I finished reading The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama. A fantastic follow-up to her best-seller Becoming, Mrs. Obama talks about how we can harness our inner brightness to become our best selves.

So many learnings, but the one I loved the most was the idea of a Kitchen Table. It’s the idea of investing in enduring friendship. Loved ones who keep showing up—in closeness, in commitment, in compromise, and even in fatigue. Those who would sit around your kitchen table.

Michelle, with a funny metaphor, says to find barnacles. A social convoy that will stick with you in rough tides; stalwart and unshakeable. And when you need help, they can take the pieces of you and give them back in the right order.

Immense gratitude for these types of friends in my life (with a special shout-out to one in particular: Anam Lotia, who gifted me this book too!). Hope you have the gift of these friendships at your table too.

“We are each other's harvest; we are each other's business; we are each other's magnitude and bond.” Gwendolyn Brooks

The Fire and the Fireplace

I was listening to a podcast discussing how people navigate a fulfilling life. Psychologist Dr. Byock shared an insight on how there is “a tug of war between meaning and stability.”

Meaning is a fire, where we crave openness, freedom, and adventure—while stability is a fireplace, where we look for safety and groundedness. We need both to feel complete; yet, it can feel it can pull us in opposite directions. Do I cast off into uncharted waters? Or stay comfortable on dry land?

As I write this in Pune, India, I feel grateful for family —something that has given me both: wonderful meaning with incredible stability. And it’s a shared sentiment across most countries (see below).

What’s bringing you meaning & stability this year? Hope you can find either (or both!) to warm you for a long time to come! Happy Thanksgiving.

Source: Pew Research

Fighting For

I went to a talk with Friends star & actor, Matthew Perry. He was promoting his new memoir: Friends, Lovers and a Big Terrible Thing. And I just finished reading his story.

Wow. What a harrowing journey. He was raw and unflinching about his battle with addiction. 65 detoxes, 10+ relapses, 5+ surgeries, and flirting with death — Perry was struggling with this disease for multiple decades. I was taken aback by the psychological war he faced privately while keeping up his success publicly.

At the end of the book, Perry recounts a great quote that helped him: “When we go before Him, God will ask, ‘Where are your scars?’ Most would proudly say, ‘I have no scars.’ And God will ask, "Was there nothing worth fighting for?’”

No matter how rich, famous, or privileged — we all fight against something. And it’s bound to batter and bruise us along the way.

Remember it’s a testament not to how much you’ve lost, but to how far you’ve come.

Allowing

Life commitments can quickly add up. Duties with family, responsibilities with work, plans with friends.

If we’re not careful, it can sap every ounce of energy from us. I’ve been reflecting on how important it is with setting and keeping personal boundaries.

One question to ask yourself: “What am I allowing?”

Taking this audit every so often can illuminate patterns of where things are breaking. And hopefully, give us the permission to take back what’s in our control.

Credit: The Perry Bible Fellowship Comics

Tender Warrior

My Ammama would have been 80 years old this week.

I remember her with so much love and admiration. She was an incredible woman — graceful, classy, poised, beautiful, and lovely.

As I think about her life, I am in awe of how tall she stood. Despite growing up in a society that had certain expectations for women, Ammama did life her way. She played badminton, taught as a principal, traveled the world, plus looked after the entire family.

She was fiercely independent. But also incredibly loving as well.

A tender warrior. Through and through. 💙